Why is it so hard to find nice friends? It seems like our son Zane (10 years old) has been dealing with bullying most of his life.
One of his earliest friends was a bit rough. He loved playing with him but oftentimes I expected Zane to be crying by the end. Then kids at church were bullying him. Some of them would say mean things like “you have no friends here” and much worse things that I don’t want to repeat here. Zane has cried to us on more than one occasion that he “hates going to church” because of that. The problem was enough that my wife has joined the children’s ministry and helping to turn around the culture.
Lately the bullying has become physical. Last week, Zane came home crying after school. He had gotten into his first fist fight on the bus. It started with name-calling, then racist name-calling, then one of the kids punched him in the stomach. He said it ended up fighting two of the kids at once, until the bus driver had to stop mid-route to break it up. A few days later, my younger son Sawyer came home crying. He said he was sitting next to a little girl on the bus and all of a sudden she kept punching him over and over. He said he didn’t do anything to her and tried to verbally tell to stop but she continued until the bus driver made her switch seats.
If you’re a parent you understand that anything done to your baby hurts you worse than it hurts them. You love them so much that you would wish YOU were being bullied if it meant they wouldn’t have to be. But in some ways I’m glad that there is some bullying. I think it is an opportunity for my boys to learn how to deal with adversity. Create a little toughness and resilience. After all, this world will always be full of bullies and we need strong men not sheltered ones.
As Christian parents, my wife and I, have often been confused about how our kids should respond to bullying. But I’m thankful for Tedd Tripp in his book “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” in giving some clear teaching on the subject.
First he shares 2 unbiblical responses to bullying. These are ways that the world tries to deal with it.
1. Ignore
2. Fight back (this is the world’s way and it is effective… sometimes).
Here’s the reason why fighting back is insufficient. Yes, there needs to be a way of standing up to bullies. But what if you fight back, but it only makes them more upset? That’s the problem with revenge. You may get a small satisfaction of revenge, but an eye for an eye “leaves the whole world blind.” Fighting back may change the outer behavior temporarily, but the heart, the root is left unchanged.
A Christian response:
What is a Christian response? Romans 12. Pray for your enemies. Give them a drink, or snack, or popsicle! Overcome evil with good. Ted Tripp says this is the Christian response and the only thing powerful enough to stop bullying at its source. Love is powerful enough to change the heart, so that they don’t WANT to bully anymore. As one person said, overcoming evil with good is like fighting fire… with water.
We see also Jesus’ example describe in 1 Pe 2:23. He did not retaliate or make threats, but he entrusted himself to Him who judges justly.
It’s interesting to note that this was also the premise of the Civil Rights Movement here in America. Their strategy was non-violent resistance.
So then, what happens after we teach our kids to respond with love and kindness to any bullying and they actually do it? They should feel like “it’s too hard.” Tedd Tripp explains that we should be careful not to give our kids a “keepable standard.” That the main point of God’s commands is to make a standard so high that all must rely on grace. It should point them to their need for the gospel. Trusting in God to deal with the bully day after day.
We have been trying to teach our kids this. It has been difficult. My older one has a hard time holding his tongue. My younger one says he tries to “pretend he is invisible” thus using the ignoring technique. But we did start praying for their bullies at the dinner table. We keep reminding them to “overcome evil with good.”
One More Thing:
I agree with Tripp for the most part, but I think there is a part that needs further discussion. What if you keep entrusting and doing good but the bully makes things physical? I think it’s perfectly reasonable in an unreasonable world that our children respond with the utmost holiness and yet a bully still physically attacks them. I think this needs to be the time when our kids are given liberty to defend themselves physically (if they cannot run away).
After talking with my wife and house church, we have decided to train our kids in Jiu Jitsu. Why? Because I think it’s super practical in self-defense and utilizes grappling more than striking. It would give our children the ability to neutralize (rather than hurt) an aggressive child. Also, I personally took a few Jiu Jitsu classes before and found it gave an amazing boost of confidence. I felt fearless. I felt unafraid of any physical contact. Perhaps it was the testosterone boost. But I think that would also be helpful in helping my children respond with courage in those scary moments.
