“Be killing sin or sin will be killing you.” — John Owen
“So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.” — 2 Tim. 2:22
My first exposure to pornography was when I was in late elementary school. I had friends in school that had access to various kinds of pornographic material, including magazines and adult tv channels. Often times would go over to my friend’s house and that was one of the things that we would do. Sounds so disturbing now as and adult, but at the time it didn’t seem wrong.
This was the 90’s when the “internet” was becoming a thing (haha I’m old). As internet speeds became faster, pornography came into the home. Access had never been easier. No more needing to go to sneak into an adult film store, or buy a dirty magazine, it was all from the comfort and privacy of the home.
By the time I was in college, it had become an addiction. For long stretches, pornography was a daily battle. Though my relationship with God was growing, this sin was one of the main stumbling blocks in my spiritual growth. The temptation had become so powerful that I felt at times physically unable to stop. I felt so ashamed, guilty, dirty, a hypocrite…
I kept fighting though…
Though I kept falling into temptation, I seriously hated this sin and wanted it out of my life. I continually sought accountability partners, and some of my best friendships have come thru those times. No matter how many times I failed, I was sustained by the forgiveness of the cross. I knew that my Lord still loved me and his blood is enough to cover even these sins. As my pastor once told me, sometimes we think “God shouldn’t forgive us this time. THIS time is too far. But God’s grace means that he shouldn’t have forgiven us the first time.” That’s what makes grace so amazing…why did He forgive us at all?
The major turning point came when one of my best friends (and accountability partner) helped me think of the problem in a different way. He explained that the real victory over porn and lust is not forcing yourself to not do it. It’s not about just having more willpower, like someone on a diet sitting in front of a pizza, telling themselves not to eat it. He explained to me the real victory would happen when my desire for God is greater than my desire for porn. When I see that the greatest pleasure is not lust, but it is His love. In fact, his love is so much greater, that giving into porn would would be settling for less joy. The problem isn’t that we want too much, but that we want too little. We are far too easily pleased as CS Lewis said…
“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
Our desire for pleasure is too small! Our standards are too low! God offers us ribeye and we want dollar menu burgers. That was the mindset shift that I needed. As Christians, that is how we have lasting victory, not just over lust, but over all sin.
Matthew 13:44 “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.
God is the supreme treasure, joy, purpose, satisfaction, pleasure…everything else is a field to sell to get more treasure.
I continued on to seminary. I still struggled at times, but the addiction was broken. Some seasons I would see more victory and sometimes would have some backsliding but on a much smaller scale than in college. When I did stumble though, the guilt and hypocrisy was much greater though. How could I indulge in these sins secretly while studying the Bible, training to be a missionary? Again, when the guilt became great, I looked to the cross and His grace was greater.
I started pastoring at Unity Baptist Church in 2014. My struggle was similar to seminary. Much freedom and victory than my college years. But I had another turning point a couple years ago.
I had a friend who was struggling with pain pill addiction. We had found a Celebrate Recovery group in the Nashville area (like a Christian Alcoholics Anonymous). The first meeting we went to, I was amazed by how real and vulnerable everyone was. They shared terrible difficulties they’ve gone thru with all kinds of addiction. The host shared that he had been addicted “from A-to-Z, he’s done it all.” Yet seeing him and hearing him that day you would not believe it because of how much he had been delivered from that darkness. After the main speaker we broke into small groups for sharing. I was surprised that out of the 10 guys who shared, probably 8 of them were there for addiction to pornography! They spoke about it in terms similar to alcohol or drug addiction: “this is helping my sobriety” or “I’ve been sober from porn for 78 days now.” That’s the testimony that convicted me. Even as a pastor, I couldn’t say I had been as “sober” as he had with lust. I was convicted that this guy takes his sin so much more seriously than me. I realized that I had gotten too lax with my battle against lust. I had gotten comfortable with a little bit here and there being ok. That is not how Christians should think of sin. Either we are killing sin, or sin is killing us… killing our love for God, our relationship with God and others.
I kept going to a few more meetings and it that time really lit a fire under me again to pursue holiness, to completely eradicate this evil from my life. I’ve not been perfectly sober these past 2 years, but I thank God that I’ve seen way more victory than ever.
Here are some strategies that have helped me along the way:
- Several of these were from John Piper’s “Strategies for fighting sexual sin.” I used to have it on CD but haven’t been able to find it online. If anyone finds that talk, pls send me a link!
- 1st most helpful strategy: Seek God as your treasure. Remind yourself that even though lust feels like the greatest pleasure in the moment, that you trust God’s word more than your hormones and feelings. Ask God to give you a desire for Him more than lust or porn. It’s like changing the autopilot. Sin makes our autopilot for lust, and thru willpower we try to change course. This works for a while but over time it becomes exhausting. When God changes our heart desires, so we don’t want lust or porn as much, that’s where lasting victory comes.
- 2nd most helpful strategy: get an accountability partner. We often try to hide this sin because of shame, but that isolation makes us easier target for the devil. It’s amazing how much power of temptation is lost just by bringing it into the light by telling a trusted Christian brother or sister.
- Get accountability software: there are paid and free software that you can put on your computer or your phone that will block porn sites. These are helpful as well but can get annoying if they block sites that should be ok also.
- Flee youthful lusts… do as Joseph did when tempted by potiphar’s wife. RUN. Physically run out of the room where your computer is, or drop your phone and run away from it. It’s simple but it works.
- Get busy — do some chores, go for a run, be productive. Do ANYTHING. lust and temptation are often heightened when we are bored and have too much time on our hands.
