Back in November, our church hosted a live webcast of Matt Chandler’s Dating Conference. It is based on his book The Mingling of Souls. As a pastor of a church with a majority of people in their 20’s and 30’s, this topic has come up frequently. I wanted my people to be equipped with the best resources available to guide them thru such an important task. I want to share some hi-lights from the book and a few side thoughts in hopes that it will encourage you to dig deeper.
There are 2 main reasons I like this book: emphasis on biblical principles, and a full slate of green-lights and red-lights.
Rather than focusing mainly on practical do’s and don’ts, he goes to Scripture and extracts the principles, the time-less truths, and applies them. Skeptics may ask “What does a 2000+ year old book from the middle east have anything to do with my life in 2016?” Answer: The Bible is the most relevant book in the world if you look for principles about life, more than specifics. Why is this so? Human nature never changes. Even across time, place, and culture, our needs are the same (community, love) and the way our hearts work is the same. As Tim Keller said, God is the inventor of life and human beings, and the Bible is His instruction manual for us. The inventor will probably know best how the invention should function correct?
In addition to principles, Chandler mixes in a full slate of green-lights and red-lights for each of stage of a relationship. These are specific signs that will tell you you’re on the right path, or you need to pump the brakes and possibly even exit the relationship. I found these to be super helpful.
This post will only deal with the first half of the book regarding dating. He breaks it down into three stages: Attraction, Dating, and Courtship. I will give some hi-lights and thoughts on each stage.
Attraction — Physical and Character
Physical attraction. It is good to be attracted to someone physically. It is natural to be. But as Proverbs 31:30 says, beauty is over-rated. Important but over-hyped.
- Principle: Beauty is culturally subjective and changing. What is considered beautiful in one cultural is not in another. Historically (and perhaps today) in some Asian countries, pale skin is considered a sign of beauty while darker skin spoke of being low-class and working out in the fields. While in western nations, darker skin, the tanned look is sought after by many, as way of showing a life of leisure and luxury at the beach.
- Furthermore, our current western culture has brainwashed us into accepting unrealistic images of beauty as the standard. Magazine covers are routinely airbrushed, photoshopped, and surgically augmented. This is especially damaging to young girls in our generation who grow up wanting to look like someone that doesn’t even exist! Men are also affected by this when they have unrealistic expectations of what their future spouse will look like. What is considered “hot” is a computer generated look. Men, are we over-looking naturally beautiful women who’d make great mates because we’ve been brainwashed to desire a facade?
Character Attraction. Attraction should be physical but should be coupled with an attraction to godly character qualities. v.3 in Song of Songs says “Your name is perfumed poured out, no wonder young women adore you.”
- Principle: Ask around about a person’s reputation if you are interested in them. Does he or she have a good name? Do most people like the guy or gal. Or are there some red flags already.?
- Are they willing to submit to authority? If the person submits well to older men or women, or to a church or other authority as opposed to always having to have their way then that is a green light.
- Do they show commitment? Or are they constantly quitting things and jumping around. A green light is when the person shows long term commitment to a church, club, sport, or even a hobby. If they don’t show commitment to other things in life, will they show commitment to you?
- How do they respond to suffering/stress? Everyone has their “moments.” But is there a trend to respond in immature way when things don’t go as planned. Do they get really angry/pouty, or are they able to stay stable and solution-oriented?
Dating — Getting to know you.
- Once you’ve found someone who attracts you physically and by their character, then it’s a good time to move towards the dating stage.
- Clear intentions: A good sign, is when there are clear intentions on both sides. V.7 The girl is interested and asks Solomon “where do you pasture your sheep?” Translation: Where you gonna be at after work?? Solomon’s response “If you don’t know most beautiful of women, follow the tracks of the flock…” Translation: Hey, foxy mama! I’ll ping you my location!
- Notice how Solomon is flirty, but also has a plan. It’s not just flirty as a tease. There’s no confusion about what he thinks of her. He’s saying I like you too, let’s get together, IT’S A DATE!
- Reciprocity: a green light in a relationship is when there is mutual interest, mutual thinking of each other, mutual initiative in moving the relationship forward. Often times people get into relationships, where one side is clearly more interested in the other. That person is doing all the texting, all the planning, all the sweet things. Chandler say, if that’s the case GET OUT, that’s a red light. Why? You deserve to be with someone who likes you as much as you like them. And will treat you as special as you treat them. Furthermore, the beginning of a relationship is when people are on their BEST behavior. If at the beginning they’re already treating you like an after-thought, then it will only get worse over time.
- Life-giving Impact: in v.5–6 the girl reveals some insecurities about her dark skin. In v.9–10 he calls her a horse. WTH?? In those times pharaoh’s horses were white arabian horses. White horses always stand out in a crowd. Solomon was saying you are not like the rest, you stand out to me…NEIGHHH BABYY!! Notice how Solomon saw her insecruities but affirmed her. I’m still captivated by you! That is life-giving. A red light is when the relationshp becomes life-draining. Is the relationship emotionally stressful? Miserable? Are you falling farther from God rather than towards God since the relationship? Are you confused often? These are red lights of a life-draining relationship.
- Approval from godly friends. Proverbs 12:15 says a fool is wise in their own eyes, but the wise person listens to counsel. Does your whole squad hate your bf or gf? “Well that’s just because you guys don’t know him like I do!” FOOL, OPEN YOUR EARS! Godly friends can help us see our blindspots. Help us see green lights and red lights that we can’t see or refuse to see. This is why it’s crucial to be part of a church. You don’t need just any advice, you need godly advice.
- Purity. It’s natural that certain desires arise as a healthy dating relationship moves forward. These are given to us by God. But how do we “not awaken love before it’s time” (Song of Songs 2:7). How do we stay pure? And also, WHY should we stay pure? Solomon kills it here with leading as a godly man in a relationship. He knows it’s his responsibility to protect her purity until marriage. So what does he do? He keeps it public, v.16–17 our bed is lush with foliage; the beams of our house are cedars. Translation: our bed or our couch is the grass outside in the park, our roof is the trees. Baby, we can Netflix and chill at starbucks, but I know if we do that at my place at 11pm we are putting ourselves in a bad spot. Chandler also gives one of the best logical arguments against premarital sex I’ve heard. He says the moment you allow the relationship to become physical, to cross that boundary, the relationship stops growing. It is no longer about trying to know each other’s souls, but know each other’s bodies. You stunt the emotional/relational/spiritual growth of your relationship.
- Vision of a healthy dating relationship. She should blossom. 2:1 I am a rose of Sharon, a lilly of the valleys. Men you should be caring for your girl in a way that she is encouraged, more at peace, more confident in her self and the relationship, more hopeful about the future, more growth in spiritual maturity. She should feel like one lucky girl. But when men do not initiate in this, often times the opposite occurs: emotional stress, confusion, less secure, falling away from God, the girl is withering.
Courtship — Getting to understand you.
- Dating is about getting to know each other. Courtship is when you are seriously considering is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. You are asking deeper questions to understand who they are. You are getting to know his or her SOUL. It’s about seeing the crazy in each other and deciding if you that’s the crazy you want to spend the rest of your life with.
- 2:9–10 describes Solomon standing behind a wall staring at her through the lattice. Creepy right? Well it’s poetry, so the meaning is actually more along the lines of “we are still outside marriage, but I want to see beneath the surface of who you really are.” Let’s go deeper. Let’s try to understand each other.
- During the webcast, Chandler shared a story about when he was courting his wife. He told his pastor he was worried because they kept having the same fights over and over again. His pastor responded, “You’re going to fight with someone for the rest of your life regardless. Do you want that person to be Lauren?” To which he emphatically replied “YES!” We all have crazy. Courtship helps us know what the crazy is in each other and decide that even if he never changes in this area, do I still want to be with him?
- Questions to ask to understand each other. To me this part was just pure gold. Even as a married man, my wife and I have started going thru these questions. I thought I knew a lot about her already, but I was suprised how she responded to some of them. He has more, but I will list some of them here:
- Questions about the past: What was your upbringing like?
- Questions about the present: What are you ongoing struggles?
- Questions about hopes: What do you want for your family in the future?
- Questions about dreams: What is your vision for this relationship?
- Questions about wounds: What baggage do you still carry with you?
So if you’ve made it this far, congrats! haha… Chandler will have a 2nd webcast regarding Marriage around Valentine’s Day 2017. We plan to show that at our church also, and I plan to post some more hi-lights. I have also ordered the DVD set for all the sessions regarding Dating which will be available to borrow from our church (www.unitychurchem.com). Here’s to relationships based on God’s principles!
